I prayed till I heard foot steps on the roof.

Between the stress of Portlen, school, and work, and the fact that I will never have enough money to support my family, and I may struggle my whole life, along next to the constant fighting and bickering thats been going on just about every day between my boyfriend and I, and my stupid fucking step mom controlling my dad into not being the same man, I’ve officially hit my breaking point. I’ve never been so fucking frustrated, angry, sad, disappointed, worried and not to mention stressed in my life. My anxiety is going nuts right now. I wish I could just take 4 sleeping pills and sleep for sixteen hours straight like I used to do back in the day. I want a way to shut my fucking brain off from the madness. 

I’m going to bed and pray I don’t have a panic attack from all the bullshit running through my head. 

I’m uncomfortable, and impatient for Seth to get here. I guess this calls for a skin melting shower, then some episodes of My Strange Addiction and Celebrity Rehab With Dr. Drew. Hahaha god, I’m weird. 

My step brother snapped some really amazing photos of Portlen on Christmas.

To me love isn’t about a man “taking care” of you financially, and making you feel secure in the sense of having money to afford the things you need. Love to me is a man who loves you regardless of your flaws, a man who stands by you, and emotionally supports you. I could care less if my boyfriend lived in a box under a bridge that isn’t what matters to me, what matters is he is there by my side through everything. Seth and I have been together for almost three years now and words can’t even begin to describe how difficult it has been at some times, but the best part about our relationship is we never give up, we both fight to keep things strong because we make each other happy. My family is very old fashioned and feels like if my car breaks down, or if I decide I want to go to dinner Seth should pull out his money and spend it on me, but in my eyes, if his car broke down no one expects me to pay for it, so why should I expect him to pay for my things just because he is a man? I would rather have a sense of accomplishment in myself and spend my own hard earned money on the things I need to survive. I would rather have a man who loves me for me, and someone I consider my best friend, someone who knows me better then I know myself, over a man who just flaunts his cash around and throws it at me.

It must really suck to think you have “friends” when in reality all your so called “friends” are just mindless followers of your fake attitude. Your not even enough of a friend to have true friends. I’ve watched you sit back and ruin people and stab them in the back, you did it to me and you did it to your “brothers” only difference is, I left your sorry ass in my past while they all came graveling back to your feet. Your a disgrace. Just saying.

I’m excited for Christmas, although I have so much to be stressed and worried about. My dad gets a real Christmas tree every year, and I’m really stoked to have the smell of pine flood my house again.